


Achilles Come Down

by infernalstars



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Neil Josten, M/M, POV Neil Josten, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Andrew Minyard, Raven Neil Josten, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27865553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: Neil Josten was a liar before he was anything else. In the nest, sometimes his choices were between lying and dying. He’d had a decent amount of self preservation that he’d chosen the former. But now, being free, the world felt so heavy. He wished he’d chosen dying.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 12
Kudos: 241





	Achilles Come Down

**Author's Note:**

> please please please read the tags for trigger warnings, this fic is really heavy and pretty graphic, please be careful   
> (lmk if i need to add more)
> 
> thank you leaf for beta-ing <3333
> 
> follow me on twitter @/neiIjost

Neil watched Bee with nothing but emptiness in his eyes. He held his mug of tea close but didn't drink it. 

He was wondering if she'd added sugar. Because the calories. 

He didn't say a damn thing. She seemed content to just sit in silence with him, gazing out the window. He wanted to leave. 

He looked down at the bandages on his wrists. He gets the stitches out tomorrow. 

Some sick and twisted part of his brain hoped it hurt. As a punishment for his failure. 

He had chosen to steal a knife from Andrew in case of failure. Jumping could ruin his chances of playing exy if he survived. 

And if there was no exy… What was the point? 

That's how his brain was hardwired. He considered exy in his suicide attempt. He fully blamed Riko for this. 

Why did he have to be so haunted by his past that he couldn't even kill himself properly?

“Are you able to play on Friday?” Bee asks. 

“Can't play unless Abby approves my weigh in, after I get my stitches taken out.”

“Is she doing it?”

Neil nods. He doesn't know how to explain his fear of doctors that's been ingrained in him since childhood. 

When his father beat him he was told the doctors would be twice as cruel. When Riko ran him half to death he was not allowed to go see a doctor. 

Psychologists fit in that category. This is why he never went to Bee despite Andrew’s encouragement. 

“Are you nervous about the weight?” 

“No.”

Yes. 

“Why?” Bee said. 

Neil forced himself to sip his tea. “I just want to play exy again. I don't want to go to bed worrying about if I ate enough and some sick part of my brain checks to make sure I did something to compensate and I can’t go to bed unless I did. Even if it’s a freezing cold shower at the end of the day to burn calories. But if I do that, Andrew kicks me out of bed because he hates the cold. Is that what you want me to say?”

Neil was angry. Not at Bee. 

He knew she was meant to help him. She was just doing her job. 

Neil was angry at the whole word. God. The gods. Whatever. 

“Is playing exy enough motivation to gain weight?”

“Yes.”

What is life without exy?

Words Riko asked him when he nearly passed out on the field. If Neil couldn't play, he died. 

So he played like he had everything to lose. There was nothing if he could not play. 

“That's good.”

“I want to go back to my dorm,” he said quietly. 

He wanted Andrew. 

“I'd like to keep talking. I think we should discuss exy--”

“No.”

Bee sat back, studying him. “Now, I'm going to give you some homework.”

“Excuse me?” Neil snapped in French. 

How he always did when he was mad. An old habit he carried with him after his time at the Nest. Riko couldn't get angry if he didn't know what he was saying. 

“I want you to write down the reasons why exy is so important to you.”

Because he had no other choice. Because his mom had just died and he was so tired. Because there was a gun held to his head, and he still had a decent sense of self preservation. 

“Whatever. See you next week.”

Neil set the tea down and left. 

He ran back to the tower. He lied to Bee and said Andrew drove him and was picking him up. He lied to Andrew and said Matt was driving him there and back because he knew Matt would be out this afternoon. He just wanted to run. 

His chest ached by the time he got back. He took the stairs slowly, catching his breath as he went. He wanted to lay in bed and have Andrew play with his hair.

He loathed therapy with all his heart. It was exhausting. 

Neil Josten was a liar before he was anything else. In the nest, sometimes his choices were between lying and dying. He’d had a decent amount of self preservation that he’d chosen the former. But now, being free, the world felt so heavy. He wished he’d chosen dying. 

There was one thing, though, that kept him off the edge, from cutting too deep, or swallowing too many pills. 

And there he was, sitting in the kitchen, eating from a carton of ice cream on the counter. Andrew Minyard. 

When Andrew looked up at him, Neil wanted to run. The moment Andrew found him bleeding out flashed in his mind, making his heart stop for a moment. 

_“Neil? Neil! Fuck,” he’d said, voice strained. He had screamed for Kevin, still holding Neil’s face in his hands. He’d stared down at him for a moment before the realization kicked in and he grabbed towels off the wall and pressed them to his wrists._

_Neil had tried to move away, but Andrew was so much stronger than him right then. “Stop,” he’d growled, holding the towels down to try and stop the bleeding. He yelled at Kevin to call an ambulance. He pressed his forehead to Neil’s. Neil wasn’t sure if he was so out of it that he made it up, or if Andrew had really been crying. “You promised me you would stay,” Andrew whispered._

_Neil’s vision faded. He woke up in the hospital the next day._

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him, shoveling a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. “You good?” 

Neil shrugged. “Happy to see you. I hate therapy.” 

“Yeah, well,” Andrew said, scraping at the sides of the carton. “If you wanna play exy again, junkie, you have to get better.” 

“Yeah.” 

Neil leaned against the counter next to Andrew. They sat in silence for a moment, and Neil appreciated it. 

“Did Boyd drop you off?” Andrew asked. 

Neil nodded. “He needed to go do something.” 

“Interesting.” 

“Not really.” 

“Boyd’s been in his room for the last twenty minutes.”

Neil looked up at him. Was he testing him or was Matt really in his room? He looked too bored to be serious. 

“That’s not possible he just drove me back,” Neil said. 

Andrew watched him for a moment. “Good.” 

Neil just nodded, feeling himself relax a bit. He hid his face in his arms. 

“Did you eat before therapy?” Andrew asked, ruining the moment of relaxation. 

Neil sighed. “No.”

“We can go out for something, if you want. Renee said the dining hall was shit, and we don’t have any leftovers you like…” Andrew offered, hopping off the counter. 

Neil watched him put the ice cream away. 

“Wherever you want.” 

“You can pick where we go. I don’t know what I want.” 

Andrew nodded. “I’ll grab my keys.” 

Neil just stood there. More than anything he wanted to take a nap. He was so tired. Sleep, however, meant nightmares. Riko visited him there frequently. He could still hear the crack of Kevin’s hand when Riko smashed it with an exy stick. He could still feel Riko’s hands beating him senseless, feel him holding him down while he threw up because he wasn’t worth it. 

Neil put his back to the fridge, pressing his palms to his eyelids. He tried to focus on those two feelings but it wasn’t enough. He felt sick, the urge to dig through the kitchen to find a knife. Andrew always misplaced his keys, he had time. 

He knew that his teammates had hidden the knives from him after he wound up in the hospital. Andrew had even surrendered his knives to Renee to hide in fear that Neil would do something. Neil didn’t know how that made him feel. That Andrew would do that for him. 

“Hey, rabbit, you ready?” Andrew’s voice asked. 

“I don’t know how much I can eat.”

“That’s okay. We’ll deal with that there. We have to get there before we worry about that, okay?” 

Neil nodded. He was right. 

He followed Andrew down the four flights of stairs and into his car. Andrew started the car, but didn't move. 

“‘Drew?”

“Nothing, it's just…” Andrew shook his head. “I…” Andrew let out a string of curses and an empty, bitter laugh. 

“Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, you aren't okay,” Andrew said quietly. He thought hard about his next words. “Sometimes… Sometimes it just hits me all at once, and I keep seeing you on the bathroom floor.”

Neil was struck by the honesty of his words, the raw emotion there. All of it. 

“I'm--” 

Fine wasn't the word he was looking for, for once. Trying? No, that would be a lie. He really wasn't. 

“I don't want you to go through that again,” Neil said honestly. “You don't deserve that.”

“There's a lot of things we don't deserve,” Andrew said. “You have to try to get through it though.”

“I want to try. It's hard.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Neil lowered his eyes to his wrists. “I promised you I would stay.”

Andrew jolted, looking surprised. “You heard that?”

“Yeah. I want to stay. It's hard sometimes.”

Andrew just nodded. He was no stranger to demons making a home in your head. He had scars and nightmares of his own. 

He had a lot recently, Neil noticed. 

He woke up now with Neil’s name on his lips, sitting up fast. Neil knew exactly what he had just dreamed, and hated himself everyday for it. 

“I want to help you--”

“It's hard. I know.”

Andrew nodded again, sitting back. He closed his eyes, holding his hand out for Neil to take. Neil took it without second thought. 

“Maybe Bee could help us. This affects… whatever this is,” Neil said, gesturing between them. 

They still didn't officially label it. Neither or them really minded. 

“I think that's a very good idea, Neil.”

-

Neil sat down across from Andrew at the Waffle House. Their legs were tangled together under the table. Neil sipped on his water and Andrew drank his hot chocolate. 

They sat in comfortable silence. 

“Can I try some?” Neil pointed to the drink.

It was destined to be too sweet for him, but he was feeling bold tonight. 

Andrew nudged it across the table toward him, and made sure not to watch too closely as Neil drank it. Neil made a face and pushed it back toward Andrew. He shuddered, and Andrew let out a laugh through his nose.

“Too sweet,” he said, making a face.

“No such thing.”

“No, there is. And it's definitely that.”

He pointed to the drink, to which Andrew pulled it closer defensively. 

“Rude.”

Neil let out a small laugh and pushed his drink aside as the waitress set their food in front of them.

An omelet was safe. One of the things he was actually encouraged to eat by Riko. His useless body needed the protein to play Exy. If Exy was involved, Neil was convinced. It was all he had to live for. 

Exy was an easy way to trick his mind into doing something. This food was good because it could help him play Exy. Simple. Stupid and encouraging--Andrew’s nickname, junkie--but effective nonetheless. 

Neil ate most of his food in silence. He kept his eyes fixed on his own food, trying to block out the sickeningly sweet scent of Andrew's pancakes. 

He set his fork down and finished off his water. 

“Was it good?” Andrew asked after a moment. 

“Oh. Yeah,” Neil said looking up at him for the first time since the food came. “Didn't realize how hungry I was.”

“Glad you liked it.”

Neil nodded. He didn't answer because he was surprised. He did like it. He liked it quite a lot, actually. 

“It's a safe food,” he said quietly. 

“Good to know,” Andrew said, grabbing the bill and going to pay. “I'll be right back.”

Neil nodded and watched him go. He wasn't sure how to feel about the meal. He just felt numb. 

Today was tiring. 

“Ready?” Andrew asked next to him. 

Neil nodded. “Can we watch a movie in bed when we get back?”

“Tired?” Andrew asks. 

They never fully acknowledge it, really, but Neil only requested a movie in bed when he wanted Andrew to hold him, to play with his hair. When he wanted to sleep being held. A few rarely opposed. 

“Yeah. Long day.”

Andrew just nodded. 

-

Neil stared at the scale.

“Whenever you're ready,” Abby said. 

The number was blocked from Neil’s view. His request. He didn't want to fixate on the number. He wanted to play Exy.

Neil took a step up onto the scale. He bit his lip as he watched Abby read the number. She wrote it down and looked over her notes.

“You can play, but I want to check in with you before every game.” 

Neil nodded. 

He could play. He could fucking play. 

“And you’re still seeing Bee?” Abby asked. 

Neil nodded again, not able to see where this was going. He was so happy to be able to get to play this week. He could practice tonight with Kevin and play tomorrow. 

“Have you had any issues with the medication she gave you?” Abby asked looking down at his chart. 

Neil felt like he’d just fallen from a great height. Andrew shifted in his seat. 

“Medication?” 

Abby nodded. “It looks like anxiety medication and depression--”

“I’m not depressed,” Neil snapped. 

“The doctors at the hospital and Bee strongly disagree with that.” 

Neil muttered something in French. 

“Neil, don’t forget the deal. If--” 

“I know,” he said. “If I don’t work on getting better here I’m going to go to inpatient treatment. I know.”

“Taking the medication is part of getting better--” 

“Don’t want it,” Neil said. 

“If he doesn’t want it, you can’t make him take it,” Andrew said. 

“He needs to communicate that with Bee.”

Neil crossed his arms. He felt like running far, far away from here, from this moment. He knew Andrew would be upset that Neil never mentioned the medication.

“You’re all set, though. Have a good game tomorrow,” Abby said. 

Neil walked out, hoping Andrew would wait until he got to the car to mention anything. He half hoped he could get far enough ahead to just run away. 

“Neil,” Andrew’s voice said behind him. 

Neil came to a stop, not facing him. He couldn’t. 

“You don’t have to take the medication, but why didn’t you say anything?”

Neil looked down at his hands, at his wrists and the still healing scars. He made himself stand up straighter, refusing to feel small and helpless. 

“I think Bee would say I’m in denial,” Neil said, looking over his shoulder slightly. 

“In denial of depression and anxiety?”

“Of all of it. Riko, the nest, the eating stuff… god just… all of it. I don’t want to deal with it and that’s why I fucking ended up stealing your knife. I have to be okay all the time and it’s killing me,” Neil said, and as the words left, he felt the jarring truth of them hit him like a train. 

Andrew was quiet behind him, but Neil could feel him watching. 

“I’m not fine and I hate it.” 

Andrew didn’t say anything. Neil, for the first time, hated the silence. He turned fully to Andrew now. 

Neil wanted something other than his own words ringing in his head. Not fine, not fine. It was the truth. It was the first time in a long time that Neil hadn’t lied to Andrew about being okay, and it felt horrible. Admitting it felt worse than feeling it. 

It all felt too much. Thank god Andrew spoke, because actually thinking about everything was sending him spiraling down, down, down. Riko’s voice echoed in his ears, his wrists burned where he’d slit his wrists. 

“You can’t get better unless you accept that you aren’t okay. That’s the hardest part.” 

Neil nodded. “I can’t stand the idea of taking anything after everything you went through,” he whispered quietly. “I can’t do it.”

Andrew just nods. “Tell Bee what you told me next time you see her. Can you do that?” 

Neil hesitated. Could he? “Yes.” 

“Let’s go, I’m tired,” Andrew said, walking past him, out of the building.

-

Neil sat down across from Bee, slowly drinking his tea. 

Bee sat in stunned silence, processing what he had just told her. She nodded a few times. 

“Thank you for telling me that. I can imagine that was hard for you, but that’s really good. I’m proud of you.” 

Neil said nothing. “I can’t get the image of Andrew finding me in the bathroom out of my head. I don’t want him to ever look at me like that again. If I keep sitting here and pretending I’m fine, it will happen again. I don’t want that.” 

“You don’t want to die or you don’t want to hurt Andrew?” 

“Yes,” Neil said quietly. “I’m not sure I ever really wanted to die. I spent my whole life trying to survive, but now I have time to think about it, relax, be comfortable and process everything. The result is… not good, clearly. I think it’s too much to confront at once, and people started noticing I wasn’t okay, which made me mad, which made it worse…”

Bee nodded. “Would you say that today is a good day?”

“Not good, but it’s one of the better ones. Neither Andrew or I had nightmares. My weigh in with Abby went well. I feel like I can breathe today, but I know that it won’t last. How can it?” 

“Why do you think that?” 

“I haven’t started to get better yet. I don’t expect nineteen years of trauma to suddenly be magically healed because I slept for eight hours and ate a good meal.” 

“But you want to get better?” 

“I’d like to try.” 

-

Neil laid with his head on Andrew’s chest, half watching the laptop in front of them. He was half asleep with Andrew’s hand moving through his hair so gently. Neil’s arms wrapped around his waist. 

“I actually talked about Riko with Bee today,” he said quietly. 

Andrew’s hand paused for a millisecond. Barely. “Really?”

Neil nodded. “It made me tired. Therapy makes me tired.”

“You can sleep, you know? I’ve got nowhere else to be.”

“I told Bee about the first time I passed out at the Nest,” he whispered. 

_Nathaniel swayed on his feet, taking a step forward. His stomach growled in defiance, furious that it was empty. There was a dull thud behind his eyes. The ground tilted, his vision started going white._

_Then he was slammed into the plexiglass._

_“Stay on your feet, Wesninski. You’re not done today. You’ve got ten more laps for fucking up that last play,” Riko snapped._

_Nathaniel blinked, trying to clear his vision. He just nodded and started running._

_“Useless piece of shit.”_

_Nathaniel didn’t react. He ran. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn’t hear Riko. Until the only sound was a ringing in his ears. His vision went white again. He never did finish his laps that day. He never did stop getting punished for it._

“It was the first time Riko didn’t let me eat as a punishment.” 

“I don’t think I mention enough how much I hate him,” Andrew growled. 

Neil let out a breathy laugh. “I’m sorry, there are so many things I still can’t tell you.” 

Andrew kissed the top of Neil’s head. “I never expect you to tell me anything. Only what you’re comfortable with. If you can never tell me, that’s fine. If you want to tell me, that’s okay too.” 

Neil felt his heart flutter. He buried his face in Andrew’s chest. “Wake me up for dinner,” he mumbled, before letting himself fall asleep. 

-

The weeks leading up to the end of the semester were good. Neil was steadily gaining weight, and no longer had to check in with Abby. His counseling with Bee went from three times a week to once a week. 

Andrew was a steady and strong presence beside him, helping him through nightmares and panic attacks. Those were few and far between, it seemed. 

Then it all collapsed when the semester ended. Everything, all of it. 

After a week off, the joys of a break shattered for Neil. Neil had thrived off routine the last few years in the Nest. Now there was no routine, no sense to his day, and nowhere he needed to be and nothing to do. 

All it took was one nightmare to send him spiraling. One nightmare of Riko, tapping his own tattoo, nodding to Neil’s. _Don’t forget your place. Useless. Worthless. Unworthy of being second. Unworthy of being third. Fourth._

He was fourth. Useless. Utterly pointless.He did not deserve this life but Riko so kindly gave it to him. He could take it all away. Crush him like a bug and brush him under the rug. No one would care, remember, you name it. He was useless. Unworthy. 

Neil jolted away, stumbling to the bathroom. Looking back, he thinks that this was the night he truly shattered. Something in him broke so badly. 

When his stomach was empty, he sat against the bathroom wall of the house in Columbia and sobbed. Ragged and ugly sobs that woke the whole house. He didn’t even care. 

Nicky found him first, with his own vomit staining the front of his shirt, crying in agony. Aaron yelled distantly that he was trying to sleep. Kevin found them next, eyes falling on Neil’s brokenness, and muttered something about alcohol. Andrew appeared as soon as Kevin left. 

Nicky closed the toilet lid and flushed it, before grabbing a washcloth and running it under the faucet for a moment. 

“Hey, Neil,” Nicky said softly, trying to get his attention. Neil looked up, whimpered, unable to stop the onslaught of tears. “Hey, can I clean up your face?” 

He showed Neil the washcloth. Neil nodded, trying to wipe away the tears but they kept coming. Nicky scooted forward on the floor. Neither of them had noticed Andrew yet. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about them. Just wanna get the puke cleaned up, yeah?” Nicky said gently, reaching forward. 

Neil sniffled and nodded, closing his eyes. Nicky gently cleaned off Neil’s face and tossed the washcloth in the hamper. 

“Can you take off your shirt? It has to be cleaned too,” Nicky said gently. 

Neil nodded, still crying. He pulled the shirt off and put it in the bin. He hugged his knees to his chest, trying to calm down. He didn’t even notice the look Nicky gave his scars. 

“Here, Neil,” said Andrew’s voice from the doorway. He held out a hoodie. His hoodie, to be exact. 

Nicky grabbed it from Andrew and passed it to Neil, who pulled it on fast, breathing in the scent. “Are you alright if I leave you with Andrew?”

Neil paused, thinking about it. His tears were falling less frequently, his breathing had calmed down significantly. He looked less rabbit-like. 

“I need… Can I have a hug? Before you go,” Neil asked quietly, cheeks burning. 

He just wanted to be held. He knew that wouldn’t happen with Andrew tonight. Andrew had slept in a separate room tonight. Physical touch wasn’t going to happen with them, and that was fine with Neil. He never minded, but right now he needed a hug. 

Nicky, of course, hugged Neil tight. He paused in the doorway, talking to Andrew quietly. Neil didn’t hear them as he moved shakily to sit on the toilet seat, grabbing some tissues. Neil looked up as Nicky left, and Andrew stood in the door frame watching.

“Talk, or back to bed?” Andrew asks. 

Perhaps this was it, the moment Neil destined himself for failure. “Bed.” 

He didn’t want to talk about it. Andrew laid on the couch in the guest room to be near Neil in case he woke up again. Neil never fell back asleep that night and decided to go on a run in the morning. 

He was never the same again. This one would live with him forever.

-

When classes restarted, and his teammates returned, they did not recognize his hollow eyes. The empty shell that was Neil Josten scared them. 

It scared Andrew. He didn't know what to do. 

Neil did go back to two days a week with Bee without much argument, though. He didn't do much talking while he was there, but he went, and he didn't run, didn't lie. 

He was just _hollow._

And it was terrifying. It was heartbreaking. 

Neil knew it in the way Andrew watched him, held him. He couldn't seem to fight it off. The pain made him so numb, so tired. He was tired of fighting his demons. 

So for the first time in his life, he stopped fighting. 

It took weeks of the semester and establishing a routine for Neil to start looking like himself, sounding like himself. It was then that he asked Andrew to join him for a therapy session. 

Andrew agreed without hesitation. 

So, Andrew sat there now, drinking his hot chocolate. 

Neil watched him. It hurt him to know he’d closed himself off so much. 

“Andrew, Neil and I have been talking and he wants to share some things with you, but he wanted some support,” Bee explained, then nodded to Neil. 

“I'm starting antidepressants next week,” he said quietly. “And Bee helped me find a group therapy session to help with PTSD.”

“Okay so you need a ride once a week,” Andrew shrugged. 

“Let him finish,” Bee said gently. 

“I know I haven't been myself,” Neil said quietly, looking away from Andrew now. “I’ve been doing lots of thinking. I'm really tired, Andrew. Exhausted. You make fighting worth it but I keep pushing you away and I don't want to lose you.” 

Andrew’s features softened. Only because it was Neil. And because Bee was sworn to secrecy. 

“Are you done?”

“Almost. We haven't said this yet, and I'm sure there are better times than in therapy, but I love you.” 

“I hate you so much,” Andrew said, his voice giving up his true feelings. His ears turned red. “I'm proud of you for deciding to do this. That's really big of you.” 

Neil nodded, his face turning red in turn. 

“Sorry to kill the moment,” Bee said gently, “but Neil did want to talk about ways for you both to help each other.”

“Okay,” Andrew said, confused, but let Bee go on. 

“We've noticed that Neil has better weeks when he talks in therapy. So--” 

“When I have a nightmare, or a bad day, I want to talk about it. I don't want to ignore it.” 

Andrew nodded at Neil’s words. 

“Can you listen to him when he needs it Andrew?” Bee asked. 

“Yes.”

“Would talking help you when you have a nightmare? Neil isn't sure how to help on your bad days. Maybe you could talk about it?” Bee suggested. 

“We could try it. Sometimes it’s hard. I know touch helps you sometimes, but not for me. That's the only limit,” Andrew said to Neil, who accepted this. “If I think of something else I'll let you know.”

“Thank you.” 

Andrew just nodded. 

“Is there anything you'd like to talk about Andrew?” 

“No.”

Bee nodded, sipping her drink.

-

Andrew drove back to the tower, holding Neil’s hand across the console. 

“I really am proud of you,” Andrew said quietly. “Getting help and stuff. You haven't been yourself in a while…” 

“I know. I'm sorry.” Andrew didn't answer, so Neil went on. “It was that night in Columbia where I threw up. It was really bad. Something… Something broke I think. More than it was.”

“Can you tell me about it?” 

Neil hesitated. “It was about Riko.”

Andrew looked over at him. 

“Riko really messed me up, apparently.”

“Apparently,” Andrew mumbled, his grip tightening on the wheel.

Neil nodded, leaning back on the seat. “I'm sorry if--”

“Stop apologizing, Josten. We're both fucked, we established this. No need to apologize for it. Just promise me you’ll stay.” 

Neil looked over at him. Blue eyes met hazel. Searching for the trust they’ve established. 

_“Promise.”_

-

15 years later

Neil jolted awake and blinked in the dark room. It took a moment to realize where he was. He tried to make his eyes focus, make out the room. Something. 

Then, he heard a voice, small and concerned next to him: “Dad?”

Everything came rushing over him in an instant. Malory, his daughter. This was her room. She asked him to stay with her tonight. He let out a breath, the adrenaline rush from the nightmare fading. He looked over at his daughter. 

“Sorry,” he said quietly. “Bad dream.”

“I get bad dreams too, it’s okay,” Malory said. “Papa says talking about nightmares helps. Do you want to talk?” 

Neil shook his head no. “It’s okay, baby. You get some rest, okay? I think I need my own bed tonight.” 

Malory snuggled into the blankets and was asleep again without a problem. Neil made his way into Andrew's bedroom. He climbed in, snuggling into the duvet.

“Talk, Junkie,” Andrew grumbled, half awake next to him. 

Neil sighed, but did just that. He talked. He gave up the details of his nightmare, reaching across the bed to his husband's hand.

Andrew held on as he listened. He always listened.

He knew that night still haunted them. The one time Neil didn't quietly tell him about his nightmares. It's what nearly killed him. 

So now they talked. No matter what time it was. No matter where, even if it took Neil hours to say it. 

They talked. 

It meant the difference between relapse and peace. 

And now with Malory in the other room they knew peace was the better option. Andrew could not imagine raising her on his own. He was glad to do it with Neil. 

So they talked. Like Neil promised he would.


End file.
